Humanity 101

I am here in defense of sincerity and that kind of clumsy elbows-and-knees social ineptness that comes with innocence, with the assumption that wherever you are, you are welcomed, applauded.

I want everyone to have the luxury of being bad at people I want eighteen-to-twenty-one year old almost-men and practically-women to have the luxury of floundering around for a while, not understanding why no one listens to their stories and no one throws them a parade for thoughts had a hundred years ago.

I want to give everyone the right to be a little bit dumbass, a stupid kid who means well, I want that for you, and it won’t stop you from being wrong because it hasn’t stopped me but it’ll give you space to be goofy and well-meaning and insulting, to come on too strong and at some point you’ll fumble toward something human, something worth keeping past twenty-three and this is the best gift I know how to give, which is the space to keep your petty squabbles and intensely immature battlefields, all tucked away in a few short years because sometimes you need that, permission to be less than perfect, that’s important in figuring out how to be someone worth being, someone worthwhile.

Here are some life skills I think, at whatever age, you’ll need to know:

1. Throwing a Punch

There’s going to come a time where you’ll need to hit someone. Sad, but true. I’m not a necessarily violent person, but statistically as a female college student, I might have to punch someone who needs to get off me like now. I’m not advocating for violence, nor am I telling you to go pick a fight with the nearest dudebro but knowing how to throw a punch that means business is a good skill to have under your survival belt. Please make no mistake: please try to not fight. Get away; run from fighting if you can. We’re not talking fighting for the sake of fighting. We’re talking a good punch to stop some fighting, or to get yourself the hell away from someone who does not realize physical space.

  • Use the hand you write with.
  •  Make a fist with your thumb outside, not tucked inside. If it’s tucked inside your fist, when you punch someone, you might break your thumb. The thumb goes across your fingers, between the two knuckles, not on the side.
  • Don’t be like in the movies—don’t aim for the face. Face and nose punches don’t usually stop people, and you can miss when they duck their head or break your hand on their jaw. If you want to get away quickly, or end a fight, aim for the chest, or the ribs. If you really want to do some damage, e.g., you’re being attacked, aim for the throat, which will make it hard for your attacker to breathe for a hot minute.
  •  When you punch, you want to aim and hit with your first two knuckles. Not the flats of your fingers, and not your ring or pinky knuckles, which can break more easily. You can use your weight, if you’re on your feet, to add wallop, and spring into a punch with your feet and torso.
  • When the person is momentarily distracted by either pain, or being winded—run away. Which leads us to…

2. Running

For example, being able to run a mile. Cardio is extremely important, if nothing else because there will come a time where you are running from something, someone, or both. It isn’t the exact distance that’s important—what’s important is being able to run for several minutes without having to stop and pant for breath. Speaking as someone who broke their knee (left) and ankle (right), it might seem a little ironic but working slowly at becoming strong isn’t difficult or impossible. It’s all about practice, be it chasing after the bus that left 5 minutes before it was suppose to, sprinting from your handsy drunk roommate, or trying to catch your cat after he slips out of the front door. Seriously, run, now.

3. Tipping Properly

It’s easy, the service people will adore, and tipping ensures you’ll get great service next time. Not to mention, you get some good karma in return. As someone who works in the food industry, who survives off minimum wage, tips are especially helpful. If you don’t know, most waitresses, bartenders, coffee-shop workers, etc make minimum wage and all but live off their tips. People remember good tippers. And it’s classy as hell.

So: Whom do you tip? The people who are personally servicing you. (That being said, you don’t need to tip your gynecologist. Really.) The people you tip are: Waitresses. Baristas. Hairstylists. Piercers. Manicurists, taxi drivers, valet drivers, hotel concierges, and anyone who touches your luggage, ever, whether it’s a shuttle driver or the guy at the airport who loads your bags outside so you don’t have to wait in line.

How much do you tip? Waitresses: 15-20% of the total bill. An easy way to do it is this: If the bill is $30.05, take 10%, which is $3 (move the decimal point one number to the left), and double that. Ta-da! The (generous and unexpected-from-a-young-person) tip is $6. If you can’t afford to tip the standard going rate, you shouldn’t go out. Or you should go somewhere you don’t have to tip. Period.

Coffee-shop baristas: $1 per espresso drink. These people remember who tips and who doesn’t, I promise you.

If someone has done something extraordinarily nice, like let you sit at your table for super long after you’re done eating without giving you attitude, or picked you and your wet dog up in their taxi, or broken a sweat in any way, give them more than 20%: 25% is good.

Everyone else gets 10-15%.

4. Cooking

Subjectively, you don’t have to know how to cook. Whatsoever, it’s easier nowadays to be able to purchase something–healthy or unhealthy, cheap or not. We live in a society where, objectively speaking, you might not even have to leave your house ever; you could get food delivered to you, work from home, pay your bills online. However, being able to make one adult meal is a critical life skill. How so? How many times can you reinvent your Domino’s pizza but you swear it off forever. Provided for you here, a super simple and basic fried rice recipe.

Ingredients:

  • 1 – 2 green onions, as desired
  • 2 large eggs
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • Pepper to taste
  • 4 tablespoons oil for stir-frying, or as needed
  • 4 cups cold cooked rice
  • 1 – 2 tablespoons light soy sauce or oyster sauce, as desired

Preparation:

Wash and finely chop the green onion. Lightly beat the eggs with the salt and pepper.

Heat a wok or frying pan and add 2 tablespoons oil. When the oil is hot, add the eggs. Cook, stirring, until they are lightly scrambled but not too dry. Remove the eggs and clean out the pan.

Add 2 tablespoons oil. Add the rice. Stir-fry for a few minutes, using chopsticks or a wooden spoon to break it apart. Stir in the soy sauce or oyster sauce as desired.

When the rice is heated through, add the scrambled egg back into the pan. Mix thoroughly. Stir in the green onion. Serve hot.

5. Really Apologizing

One universal rule is that, whether intentional or not, you’ll hurt someone. The whys, wheres, etc are not remotely important. What is is the way that you apologize. The person on the receiving end of the apology doesn’t have to accept it–that’s their right. However, the way you go about this is critical and could even possibly make the situation worse by using a single word: If.

Take this scenario. You’re adapting to a new environment, be it high school or college, and you’re making a new group of friends. This group particularly enjoys partying, while your “older” friend group may be necessarily be interested in the scene. You’re suppose to hang out with this older friend group when you get invited to a party by your newer friends, and blow off the aforementioned friend group.

Bad apology: “I’m sorry if you feel that I abandoned you guys, or lied to you about the party.”

Look at you! You’re not remotely sorry! Look at that if! You’re basically blaming them for feeling the way they feel. “I’m sorry if you…” is a shit apology. Are you sorry? Then be sorry! Half-hearted apologies are just that, half-hearted. If you don’t believe you did anything wrong, then stand behind it. Don’t blame the other person or use sneaky words like if to shift things around to sound like you’re not really to blame. Apologies involving the if word tend to turn into major fights, because one person believes they are trying to make amends, and the other person doesn’t hear any actual regret or sorry-ness.

Good apology (note: always in person): “I’m sorry that I blew you guys off for that party. That was pretty shady and a shitty thing to do. I won’t do that to you again. I understand if you’re still mad at me.”

Look at all those words. You did the bad thing, you take the blame. Nice!

6. How To Be Happy

Maybe happiness is this: not feeling like you should be elsewhere, doing something else, being someone else. You have every right to existence, you have every right to take up space, and there isn’t a single fucking person on this planet who can negate that. The highest form of abuse is, often times, at the hands of ourselves. Learn, little by little, to love the person you are. If you don’t like that person, change yourself to be someone that you love. Learn to be your own friend, learn to be comfortable in your own skin. Also drink water, lots of water. 2-3 liters of water daily.

7. Being Jay-Z about Life



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