I was just staring at a blank screen. Maybe it was because I didn’t have my glasses on, so in reality it was just blurred. A little Skype page filled the screen; I scanned my list of contacts….no one. At least no one I really wanted to converse with. It was only 11:30am and this feeling of complete nothingness seemed to overcome me. Mostly because I had just finished a chaotic week of midterms that left me with nothing to do on the weekend; no assignments to complete, no papers that I could really start, just a massive gap of time that I anxiously tried to fill. Whereas the week prior every moment was filled with either studying, memorizing, stressing, writing papers, studying, and/or studying.
So naturally I’m restless, but then again I’ve always been restless; never being able to stay in one place. So, I hopped on the bus with Victoria and headed down to Westwood to grab some good old vegan grub. Ironically, Victoria had experienced the same dilemma of “nothingness” that seemed to have driven us both to the brink of insanity.
We went to Native Foods, which is amazing by the way. Plus, we get stuff from the kids menu so it’s only like $5. Hey, I’m a college student and an actress which basically means that its guaranteed that I’m going to be broke the majority of the time.
“They dropped acid and saw the same full purple waves peeling back like the petals of a fresh flower. They took mushrooms in the mountains, washing them down with milk, and thought their brains had melted together, burned under the white mushroom moon. The has made them giddy–he performed for her, doing an uncanny Edith Piaf that made her scream; then they ate chocolate and kissed for hours. They hated speed, which made their nerves ache.
– Francesca Lia Block
It’s 5am and there’s white noise everywhere, silence that doesn’t quite tiptoe around empty. It’s difficult to slow down like this, to let time elapse long enough to piece together a coherent thought, to realize where and who I am. There is no particular train of thought, only jumbled indescribable thoughts and fears, feelings I’m incapable of properly articulating. Impossible for me to animate, to incarnate with tongue and teeth. It’s always only been thought. I think of how I’m an infinitesimal being, drunk with the great starry void. How I have galaxies hidden between my bones and only now have I become aware of them, I’ve woken up with the knowledge that the years have gone and there’s a comfort in that. I don’t recognize the person I’ve become, but I know I love her. I have questions that no one can answer, but my happiness has consisted lately of the acknowledging that this all feels like some great, strange dream.
I’ve decided I’m going to film the rest of my semester/document my adventures and compile the footage together at the end of the year in a steadicam-musical montage format.
We went on a night hike with our Mosaic college group (who are the nicest people around) and then randomly ventured out to sweet rose.
Midterms are coming up this week so I’ve been crazy busy, but good news: I just got my Nikkor 50mm and I love it! I’ll do a full review of the amazing lens if I survive my midterms.